This fall, I was talking to a coach of a professional running group about a big fall marathon and mentioned I maybe wanted to write about one of his athletes scheduled to run the race. When he told me she'd withdrawn, I was surprised. I hadn't heard that she was hurt. She wasn't, he said, but she'd had a tough year. "To go through all that training…her heart just isn't in it."
On Saturday, while trying to run 12 miles at Valley Forge, after nearly six weeks of throwing myself against an ultra marathon training schedule and trying to care, I stopped, put my hands to my face, and cried into my gloves. I didn't do that because I was hurt, but because I knew I was done. My heart just isn't in it.
It's been an extraordinary painful time, and almost everything in my life is changing. All of my constants are gone or soon will be when I move out of my house next month. I thought that training hard for a race would help since it has before. But I have had a hard time getting up in the morning let alone running – and when I'm out there, I've pulled every trick out of my back pocket to get me to care and keep going. It's just not happening, and I'm so tired of feeling like a failure every time I don't finish a workout, or finish one on a sour note.
I didn't know all this would happen when I signed up for the 50K. Once I made the decision, though, and wiped the tears away (and also smiling to the family on mountain bikes who thought I was hurt), I knew I'd made the right call. I won't stop running (I don't think my editors would like that), and I'm still going to run shorter races this spring, including the Broad Street Run in Philadelphia in May. As I told my coach, I'm hurting myself. That's no fun. That's not why I run.
I didn't train for a marathon while I wrote Running: A Love Story. I think this is a time, too, is when running should be maintenance, not a challenge. So I will run on. Just not so much.
(I'm not sharing who the athlete in the intro is because the conversation was a casual one at a book event and not on the record.)
Anywho, on a much better note, I have a few events coming up this spring. I'm checking to see if two of them are open to the public, and the fourth date isn't finalized yet. New York subscribers who missed the June book signing – that last one will be for you. So stay tuned!
What I'm Reading
I read Dean Karnazes' The Road to Sparta. I've written before about how the first marathon isn't quite what we think, but he really expanded on that topic. Now I'm reading Eloisa James' Seven Minutes in Heaven. It is delightful. The romance novel industry tends to boom in times of stress/uncertainty (and I've read more of them in the last few months). I predict that'll happen again.
What I'm Watching
I finished Foyle's War! I do recommend – and I liked how they continued the show after WW II ended (and I won't say how and spoil it for you). After, I started The Collection on Amazon Prime, which includes…Mr. Foyle! Or Michael Kitchen, who played him. It's a British series that checks all the boxes for what I'm looking for: drama, period costumes, British accents, and actors I know from other places. One of the main characters is played by Richard Coyle, who was goofball Jeff on the dearly beloved comedy Coupling (which you should absolutely watch – the British version, not the one they tried in the US, and it's streaming on Hulu). In one scene in The Collection, they play the French version of the Coupling theme song – I wonder how many other people caught that! Also, since I was at my dad's for a few days last week, I watched part of season three of VEEP, which doesn't seem so absurd these days.
I'm going to try to see a movie in the theaters this week, and while I tell myself it'll be one nominated for an Oscar, it will probably be LEGO Batman. Gal's gotta smile every once and a while.
Until next time,
Jen A. Miller
jenamiller.com
runningalovestory.com
twitter.com/byjenamiller
instagram.com/jenamillerrunner
Leave a Reply