Notes from a Hired Pen: Be a little more courageous this week

Readers!

I’ve had a rough go of it health wise since the start of the year. I had my first bout with COVID right after New Year’s Day, and while I did OK with it (thanks vaccines and Paxlovid!) I couldn’t run while sick, and took another week of before I started to do anything physical again. Then I flew to California to do the Disneyland 10K and half marathon, which I was not ready for. The day after I returned, I got a three-inch incision and nine stitches in my back to remove a mole so it wouldn’t become cancer. I’m grateful that my doctor caught and removed it, but for two weeks, the stitches yanked on my skin anytime I moved my head, arms or torso. On top of that, the stitches were in such a place that I couldn’t wear a bra, which lead to its own type of back pain, and I had an allergic reaction to the bandage tape. It was two weeks of misery and pain.

So when I was cleared to run outside again, I balked. I did run, but on the treadmill, which is not my favorite way to proceed. Then the next day, I did the same thing. And the day after that. Yes, I was glad to be running again, but when I thought about taking my run outside, my stomach dropped.

This is ridiculous! I told myself. I’ve run outside thousands of times! In good weather, bad weather, burning hot weather and pouring rain. I’ve run 50ks on rocky trails, a 24-hour race on the same one-mile loop, and, in possibly the most hectic run I’ve ever done, through the streets of Rome during morning rush hour. What was stopping me from running a few blocks from my home?

Fear. It can freeze you up, tell you you can’t, and stop you from progressing forward.

The same can happen with writing. I have not touched my novel since December, and getting a rejection from my non-fiction agent didn’t help. I know the book has a very good chance of being sold, but what if it fails? That’s fear.

Ditto an essay I drafted back on October, loosely written to be pitched as a New York Times’ Modern Love column. I haven’t done one of those “throw your heart on the table” kinds of essays in a long time, but I know what happens after it’s published, for better or for worse. Did I really want to go through all that again — even assuming that I am still good enough to write something like this and sell it? That’s fear.

I realized all these things on the same day, so re-framed them. Deciding to run after a health set back is brave, even if it’s on the treadmill — which is a totally valid place to run! Writing a novel takes guts, even if the first person to read the first third of it said “no thanks” on representing it. And writing the draft of that essay because *I* think *my* experience is relatable and can potentially help other people, takes courage too.

When looking at these things as good risks, it was easier to continue. On Friday, I opened the file of that essay draft, spent an hour editing it, and identified what I needed to do to in order to get it into shape to pitch for print. On Saturday, I put on my running clothes, grabbed my water bottle that I only use for outdoor running, and told myself to run to the Little Free Library and back. As I thought I would, I kept going. And today, I have an hour on my schedule to look at the novel again, and create an attack plan to get it ready go to out to other agents.

It also helps to catch a spiraling mind, and ground it in reality. If I go out on a run and the pain returns, I could call about a half dozen people to give me a ride home (and if they can’t? That’s what Lyft is for). If no one buys my essay? I won’t be banished from writing forever. Onto the next! And if I never sell the novel, the time spent delving into its themes has not been a waste. I’ve done a lot of research into coercive control, which is worth the research in and of itself. I also reminded myself that one of the long lasting effects of writing my memoir was seeing in my drafts that I drank too much, which permanently changed my relationship with alcohol. Even in the worst case scenarios, something good has already come of trying.

Writing is a scary thing for most people, myself included. Putting yourself out there, especially in new ways, can smack you in the face with fear. It’s normal! It’s OK! If you haven’t pitched something or tried something for a reason you can’t quite identify, ask yourself if you’re scared, and what that fear is really about. If it’s about failure, ridicule or just someone saying no, think about whether those things really matter. If you pitch your dream pub and the editor doesn’t respond, does it suck? Yes. Should it keep you from trying anyway? I don’t think so.

If nothing else, be a little more courageous with your writing this week. It might surprise you.

 

 

Recent Bylines

“A New Way to Fly,” Mudd Magazine

“How UCSF Experts are Using Generative AI to Revolutionize Nursing Education,” UCSF Science of Caring

“UCSF Experts Lead First-ofi-its-Kind Statewide Study Exploring Health and Well-Being of LGBTQIA+ Older Adults,” UCSF Science of Caring

“Innovating Wellness: Heath Research and Artificial Intelligence,” UCSF Science of Caring

“How to make progress on precision medicine and pharmacogenomics,” Clinical Laboratory News

“Closing the gap with pharmacogenomics testing,” Clinical Laboratory News

“Q&A with Olivia Peck Palmer, ADLM-past president, for Black History Month,” Clinical Laboratory News

 

What I’m Reading

• The Sicilian Inheritance by Jo Piazza. This novel has two main narratives, one Sara, a bankrupt and getting divorced chef who takes a trip to Sicily to spread her aunt’s ashes in her ancestral home. The other is of Serafina, Sara’s great grandmother, who family legend said died of  the flu before she could join her husband and children in America. When Sara gets to Italy, she’s told otherwise. Oh, and the book opens with a murder. That kind of disjointedness runs through the book. It could have lost about four subplots, or the entire modern day story line all together. Reading it did want to make me learn more about Sicily, so a few books about it have been added to my “read every book about Italy written in the English language” list.

What I’m Watching

• The Search for Instagram’s Worst Con Artist Another cancer scammer! Why do people do this! Belle Gibson, the subject of this documentary, looks like she’s been a liar all of her life. Also, this is the true story behind Apple Cider Vinegar. I started that fictionalized version and it was OK, but I preferred watching the real thing.
• American Murder: Gabby Petito. I wasn’t going to watch another documentary about Petito, who was murdered by her fiance while trying the #vanlife life, but it auto played after something else and here we are. If you have ever been in an abusive relationships (even if he never hit you) before forewarned that this can be a tough watch. The producers have so much actual footage of Petito and her killer, plus long interviews with people who knew them. They do an incredible job showing you the progression of his abuse and control. The couple didn’t even leave on their road trip until she started to get serious about breaking up with him, which is part of the abuser playbook: isolate to further control. Her parents have said that they will keep talking about it because women are recognizing themselves in Gabby and getting out. I imagine this documentary will do the same — and will be passed on to people who want to help a friend they think is being abused, but don’t know what to say. One jarring thing was people kept saying they didn’t want Gabby to be alone in her van because it wasn’t safe. Well, the guy who killed her was her co-pilot. It wasn’t the road trip aspect that lead to her death, it was an abusive male partner. Women are far more likely to be murdered by a man she knows than a stranger, but the constant push of stranger danger works to paper that over and keep women from exploring the world. Well I’ve already written about all this before, so you can read that instead of me repeating myself.
• Stagecoach. It’s hard to say this is a Movie I Missed when both of my grandfathers would often have this on when I visited, but I never sat down to watch this 1939 classic until this week. Also, because history repeats itself, you are meant to hate the banker who goes on an “America for Americans” and “our national debt is something shocking,” and  “what this county needs is a businessman for” rant. I am not kidding, you can see the clip here.
• The Housewife and the Shah Shocker and The Housewife and the Hustler. These two documentaries are about the alleged crimes of two Real Housewives. The crimes themselves aren’t so shocking because I’ve seen and read true stories of plenty of depraved people — see: cancer scammers — but that they would choose to go on camera and broadcast their allegedly crime-adjacent lives is baffling to me.
• Buy Now: The Shopping Conspiracy I know a lot of people are rethinking their shopping patterns right now (I nuked my Amazon Prime account last month, and overall consumer spending as dropped). If you want to watch something that’ll help you buy less, watch this documentary. It has interviews with people whose jobs were to determine how to get us to buy more crap, and then what happens to that crap (and plastic) when we throw it away. Changing habits is hard, but after seeing this? I’ll continue along a lighter consumption way.

Nail Polish of the Week

Eunice by Zoya. At first, I thought this was a pea-green. Then, as I looked around the website of Made in Eatalia, where I put in an order every few months, I figured it’s more pistachio. Italians LOVE pistachio in their sweet foods in a way we don’t here. Is it because it’s green, not a common color in desert foods here? Maybe!

 

Until next time!

Jen A. Miller (she/her)

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