Readers!
I’m coming at you with a bit of a different post today (as I have a few times here and there since the start of the year). I’ve found myself in the middle of an enormous wave of anxiety. Some of it is work related, so is that enough to make it relevant to this newsletter? Sure why not (plus, it’s my newsletter, I can do what I want).
I’ve had issues with anxiety since…well, forever. It’s gotten a lot better. Instead of it constantly pressing down on my spine, I sometimes get slapped in the face with a wave. And it’s always surprising, even though when I look back, I can see it starting to build.
It’s an anxious time, so here are a few things that I missed. I’m not a doctor or therapist or what have you, but writing them in the hopes that if you see these signs in yourself, you may realize what’s going on too.
- Creatively flat. Usually, my brain is sparking in all directions with ideas, either for intros in articles or pitches or fiction or this newsletter. Over the last week or so there was nothing. Just…zip. On Linkedin, I put out a call for questions for this newsletter because I didn’t think I had anything to write about in the world of freelancing. I always have something to say about the world of freelancing. Something was off.
- Falling asleep, but not staying asleep. I usually have no problem falling asleep at night, but I’ve been wake up at odd hours and not being able to go back to sleep. Sunday morning, I tried moving to the couch at 4 a.m. to see if it would make a difference. Zippo.
- No appetite. This is a big one. When I’m stressed, I don’t want to eat. Food just isn’t appealing, and the idea of cooking something? Pft. This is especially bad right now because I am running a lot (which, at least I have that!) and I started to really drag on those runs because I wasn’t fueling properly.
- Beating myself up, because when I started to feel the anxiety creep in, I told myself to stop it because other people have it worse. Of course I know other people have it worse, especially right now. But that doesn’t knock the anxiety out of my head. Brains are weird, especially when they’re out of balance (especially when you’re a woman of my age). Trying to trick my way out of this by yelling at myself only furthers the spiral.
So here’s what I’ve done:
- Canceled some plans. Not all plans, but trying to do all things at once, especially when I’m having trouble sleeping, is less than ideal. I was supposed to go down the shore this week to work/run/surf, but my energy is in short supply these days. Not forcing myself to have FUN FUN FUN is a way to conserve energy (especially when it’s going to be very hot here this week).
- Limited social media consumption. I am still very up on the news, but I logged out of Bluesky, Facebook and Instagram on both my phone and laptop. After getting in a fight with a right wing jerk, I cut back on Reddit too. I go back in occasionally but I have to work to get at these platforms instead of being able to doomscroll without even realizing I’m doing it.
- Ride or die by my to-do list. Slipping into my work is a way to give my brain a break, even if the work is hard. I’ve given myself extra work tasks to do this week to continue to keep myself occupied (it’s time to follow up on my April marketing sprint — good timing!) I’m also going to oxiclean all of my linens. Sure, why not. It’s something!
- Talk to friends who get it. Just telling a few people “hey I’m dealing with an anxiety wave” and know they won’t immediately rush to ask what they can do, or tell me how worried it makes them feel (which makes me feel worse) helps.
- Put aside sad stuff. I was listening to an incredibly sad book, after reading an incredibly sad book, and before that read a very tense book. No. I don’t need that right now.
- Have something on. I try to have something on in the background, whether it’s a podcast, classical radio station, inane movie or TV show, or the audiobook I’m listening to now (which is FORTY ONE HOURS LONG). None of these are serious things, that if I lose focus on them for a bit, I’ve lost the plot.
- Write about it. Lucky you! I guess? Of course you don’t have to share things publicly, but keeping a diary, especially a hand written one in a black marble copybook, has been my go-to in the past. When I was really dealing with this in 2017 after my first dog died and I was forced to sell my first house because of a neighbor from hell, I filled multiple copybooks. It helped.
I wrote most of this over the weekend, and am happy to report that I slept better than I had been last night, and am feeling better in general this morning. So I’m hopeful that this is just a wave, and that recognizing it and putting some things into place will help. If not, then I will get more help. No sense trying to shuffle through this alone (I need that reminder, and perhaps, dear readers, you do t00).
After all that, if you’re still reading: I am looking for some mailbag questions to answer in future newsletters. Hit the contact box and we’ll go from there.
What I’m Reading
- The Wild Robot Protects by Peter Brown, read by Kathleen McInerny. As long as Brown keeps writing about the adventures of Roz the robot, I will keep listening to these books. In this book, Roz goes on an ocean adventure to stop what the animals are calling “the poison tide.” You might be shocked, but I liked this one too! I already put a library hold on the next book in the series, which comes out tomorrow.
- Cosa Nostra: The History of the Sicilian Mafia by John Dickie. This is a historical look at Cosa Nostra, the Sicilian mafia, and the stronghold it’s had on Italy. While American and Italian mafias are related, Cosa Nostra is much more violent: the book opens with the 1992 murder of of a judge via a highway explosion. I read this because I wanted to understand why mafia is NOT something you joke about with Italians. I can see why now. Other things I learned from this book: the first product Cosa Nostra formed around were lemons. They subsequently did so with sulfur, artichokes, liquor and heroin. I also now surmise that the pizza place near my childhood home, which we always assumed was a mob front because it was always empty, was part of the Pizza Connection Trail, where such places were used for drug distribution.
- Memorial Days by Geraldine Brooks. This is the sad book I referenced above! It’s about the sudden death of her husband, Tony Horwitz, and works on two timelines: from when she found out to the immediate aftermath, and a trip she took to a remote Australian island a few years later to fully grieve. It is sad, but it’s also, in the end, a celebration of a life well lived, so not as much of a downer as I may have made it sound.
What I’m Watching
- Freelance. I wish I could say this is a fun action movie involving a freelance writer, but it’s just a bad movie (and not about freelancing as a writer). Fine to put on in the background while working on tedious stuff, but overall I don’t recommend it (neither does Rotten Tomatoes, where it has an 11% score).
Nail Polish of the Week
Bon Voyage to Reality! by OPI. Am I really into my summer colors? It’s almost July so I guess so. This is from OPI’s Barbie collection, which I loved. This is a white with a very slight pink, which works for me this time of year.
And one more before I go: it’s going to be extremely hot in a lot of places in the U.S. this week. Please please please be careful, especially you runners who followed me here. I’ve had heat exhaustion once because I insisted on running outside on a horribly humid day, and then didn’t call my father for a ride even though he told me to if I felt bad. It’s not pretty. I don’t want to go through that again, and I don’t want you to either.
Until next time,
Jen A. Miller (she/her)
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This is all good stuff. Thanks for sharing it.