Readers!
There’s been a bit of a controversy in the running world recently, and without getting too into it (I would look like Charlie up there if I tried to explain it), I suspect one factor that lead to this spiral is living too online. The runner, and a few other runners I’d forgotten about but was re-introduced to because they’ve also been acting up, complain a lot about what is written about them online, and will fight with people in comments and posts.
I’m using this as a long winded way to get into advice to any writer who has a piece go mildly viral — enough that people you don’t know, and who will never meet you in real life, decide to break out their keyboards to whinge on about you. Because if you engage in it too much, it’ll cook your brain, especially if you keep sucking in this poison for years.
That’s because falling into online discourse about you traps you in a false reality, where at some point what dirtydong69 thinks about your work somehow seems as important to you as the work itself. And then that starts to affect you, your writing and decisions you may about your writing — rarely in good ways.
Here’s my advice on how to avoid that fate:
- Don’t search your name on social media platforms. A Very Famous Local Author does this, and it sure does seem to take up a lot of time that would better applied to something else — anything else! She’s written blog posts and tweets, that she then deletes, that were clearly arguing with the comments that had taken up residence in her brain. Its a bad look. In general, who cares what random people say about you? A lot of people have a lot of opinions. It doesn’t mean they’re valid.
- Don’t search your name on anonymous forums. Back when I was writing about running every week, a friend told me about a subreddit that hated me. I was also sometimes the subject of threads on an anonymous forum that hosts ads for pornography. Even after getting a heads up, I didn’t look. Because, again, who cares. I can’t control that I’ve become a character in some people’s heads. Reading what they make up about me certainly won’t help me become a better writer, or be good for my mental health.
- Don’t read the comments. That goes for comments on the article, and on any Facebook or Instagram or whatever post a publication makes with your article. If there’s anything an editor thinks is worth me looking at, they’ll tell me. If I really am the problem, they’ll tell me too (though that’ll usually happen before anything’s published). I also have trusted friends who will point out the especially ridiculous, like when someone commented on a story I wrote about my first 24 hour race, telling me I needing to dial in on my nutrition. It still makes me laugh because, my dude, the only things that matters at that point is, first, eating, and second, eating something that won’t make you puke. But I didn’t tell him that because why? What good would it have done me? Did I really need to prove him wrong, and then trigger a response? I did not!
- For authors, don’t read Goodreads or Amazon reviews. I made this mistake when my running memoir came out, and the first two bad reviews were that the reader didn’t like how it ended (it’s…a memoir) and another one called me a whore. No thanks!
- Talk to a friend. And I don’t mean someone who always says you’re right. If you’re getting too deep into the shit, you want someone who will pull you out, even if they hurt your feelings a little in doing so. You can tell the friend what you’d say, or write it to them in an email that you and they then delete. You can also write out a response, and delete it immediately without sending it anywhere. Just make sure that wherever you write it, you can’t accidentally send or post it. A friend or family member may also be able to tell if you’re having a normal reaction, or if your response to online comments are either a contributing cause of or symptom of a mental health issue. If you’re worried about that too, and you trust them, ask.
- Touch grass. I know this is a jokey thing people say now, but if you get sucked into a pattern of reading this bile, do something to interrupt the spiral. That could be touching grass or…going on a walk or pulling weeds or cooking a meal or playing a game of solitaire with real cards or taking a shower or going to a movie where you can’t look at your phone (and no, you shouldn’t be looking at your phone in movie theaters!) Do anything that breaks you away from pouring through what a bunch of strangers are saying about you. Doing so, and doing that through an activity that’s engages at least one of your five senses, is a great way to reconnect with the real world where, often, none of this shit matters.
- And for God’s sake, don’t engage. The discourse might continue without you sticking your nose in it, but not at the same intensity or duration if you’re not participating. Don’t feed the flames. They can yell into the void. You don’t need to get yourself stuck in it.
One caveat about safety. I’ve been threatened with injury and death over my writing. Most of this is bluster from pathetic men trying to feel better by yelling at a woman who is more successful than them. The few times I’ve felt the threats have been serious, these assholes made sure to email email me or tag me in social media posts, because yelling about me in places I don’t go doesn’t give them the thrill they’re looking for.
Each time, I let my clients know, to discuss next steps. One paid for me to have a deleteme account because someone knocked on my door — twice — in response to a story I wrote for them (I thought I’d shielded myself enough, but apparently not). They have a safety team, which helped me determine whether or not to contact law enforcement. A lot of bigger publications have people like this who can help you out. Don’t be afraid to ask if you think you’re in danger.
What I’m Reading
- Once Upton a Time in Dollywood by Ashley Jordan. It’s a romance novel about two hurt people who find each other but are probably not ready yet to be with each other — until they are. It is a romance novel after all, but it has more weight to it than just about any romance novel I’d ever read, addressing issues like racism, miscarriage, teen pregnancy, parental alienation and loss. I loved it, especially this part: “She couldn’t keep ignoring the pain eating away at her. It put her to bed and was waiting at the door when she woke up. It wasn’t working, walking around like she didn’t notice it following. She couldn’t outrun it. So it was time to face it.” Also, I 100% picked this up off the library shelf because of the title. It’s a good one!
What I’m Watching
- One Battle After Another. The internet told me to watch this, so I did, in a mostly packed theater on a Tuesday morning. Yes, it’s good, and yes it says big things, especially about white supremacy. I didn’t know Sean Penn was in it, or I probably would have passed. But he was there, so I continued on. Also, that final car chase: I’ve driven that road in 2023, and yes it is that barren and beautiful and scary. They picked the perfect spot.
- The Perfect Neighbor. A white woman who has constantly called police about Black children playing in her neighborhood shoots and kills a Black woman, then claims innocence under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law. This documentary, which won the U.S. Documentary Directing Award at the 2025 Sundance Film Festival, uses almost exclusively police bodycam footage (including from when police were called before the shooting), doorbell cameras and police-taped interviews. No talking heads, no narrator, no dramatic music, no new interviews with those involved. It’s bracing and enraging and sad. Four kids lost their mother, and for what? The documentary doesn’t say it out loud, but it doesn’t really have to.
Nail Polish of the Week
Grunge Queen OPI This is a black nail polish with subtle red glitter. In some light, it looks black. In otherse, it looks like very dark brown. I love it. It’s going on my list of favorites.
Until next time,
Jen A. Miller (she/her)
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